I’m really struggling at the moment. My first ECT treatment is done, and while I do promise to write a blog about the process and my experience, tonight’s post is more of a “I need to get this off my chest” post.
I am so goddam lonely at the moment. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as lonely as I do right at this moment. It’s the worst feeling; an emptiness in my chest that aches and aches and won’t go away, and I’ve spent all of today crying because I’m finding it so difficult at the moment.
A few different things have contributed to how I feel, as it’s all built up to this point. I’ve been in hospital almost three weeks, and one a visitor once. Other than that, there has been no one. I try to not let it bother me but it definitly hurts (especially on the weekends) when I see people’s families and friends visiting them and I know I have no one coming. Another contributing factor is the lack of communication from anyone. A few select people I work with know I’m in hospital at the moment, and not one has bothered to message and ask how I’m doing. We have a social fund at work that covers gifts for people when they get married, have a baby or get sick, and twice this year we’ve sent flowers to colleagues who have been unwell. I’ve always made sure to sign the card no matter how well I know the person; I know how much little messages like that mean. But nothing. Finally, I lost something today with someone special to me; they were someone I thought I could trust and rely on and I found out I couldn’t. That’s probably hurt the most out of all this reasons.
However all of these have combined to make me feel so alone and it’s a horrible feeling. I don’t have many people in my life, but I was sure some would contact and ask how I am. Someone would drop it. Work woul send a card or something. Thinking about it is like a punch in the stomach. Being sick and in hospital is hard and it’s scary and it’s lonely at the best of times without feeling even worse. It makes me truely believe that the world would be better off without me, that no one would notice.
I’m struggling with the suicidal thoughts at the moment and have made a plan that at this point I intend on carrying out. However being in hospital it won’t be for a while that I’m able to. I just don’t want to do this anymore. Mental illness is hard, let alone doing it all alone.
If anyone has any tips on how to manage these feelings please feel free to message, I’m desperate.